Aug 27, 2013

Butt clench swagger

595 - Butt clench swagger

In this episode we have a food cast.

Stuff we spoke about

Katie puckering on the word
Asphyxiation wank
Kevin Smith and Clerks
Stallone and Arnie in Total Recall
Tom Bevis
Dale and Tucker Vs Evil
Poop discussions
Correct condom use

Follow us on twitter @Royal_n_doodall and like our Facebook page

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Aug 18, 2013

594 - Tommy’s song

Episode 594

In conjunction with the facebook page Hypnodisk.

We may have been drinking for a while before this show was recorded.

We have Royal and Doodall Poetry Corner #RnDPC

We also have a space segment.

And we close out with a special outro song.
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Jul 30, 2013

593 - What happened to the rest?

Welcome back to Royal and Doodall. Its episode 593.....yes 593. Where have you been?

We talk stuff.

I haven't listened back so these are the show notes.

Anyway, how are you? Whats the weather like there? Do you have any scotch?

Let us know the answers to all these questions on twitter @Royal_n_Doodall

See you next week.

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May 23, 2013

59.2 Ode to the Postie.

Welcome to episode 59.2 of the Royal and Doodall show. Did you know we once saw Cat Weasel do stand up and Tommy was really desperate to be followed by Fat Lil?

Should we insert 'Precleded' into the Radapedia? And is it tomb or tome?

Watch out for the groundbreaking telecast which is currently be devised. Tommy suffers from premature dickulation and we find out that alluding is a bodily function. Mr Royal is offensive about TOCpod (IT WASN'T ANGUS TRAVIS)

What if floatation tanks contained tiny sharks that stuck needles in your japs eye


We reminisce about fish and chips in newspapers and play a game of name that film. #Name that film. Musical interlude performed by @YourBeingATwat with 'Kazoo to heaven'. We have a special poem written by a famous poet called 'Ode to the Postie'. And we have come up with, what shall be, the best selling app in the world.

Which part of your body would you eat first? And what exactly is vomit sex?

All these questions, and more, are posed and some are answerd on this weeks Royal and Doodall show.

Don't forget to rate and review the show if you use iTunes. If you use stitcher then thumbs up and share the show. But most importantly just tell some one about it.

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May 16, 2013

59.1 Goodbye

Its been almost three months since we released an episode. We return in this episode to discuss what has happened during the three months and still can’t remember what we spoke about.


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Mar 16, 2013

Punjaab and Kulfi - Episode 6

It was a very cold and wet day in the Bradford dog pound. It was always a very cold and wet day in the Bradford dog pound.

Punjaab was very depressed. He had spent two days staring through the bars of his cage. Oh goodness gracious me, thought Punjaab, I miss the Mumbai slum and all the wallers that live there. Oh Kulfi, he thought, I miss your furry balls, I miss your incessant licking and disinterest, oh I am so depressed.

And then a man appeared in front of Punjaab’s cage. He started talking in strange tongues that Punjaab could not understand and in his hand was a syringe. The syringe it had blue liquid in it but to Punjaabs surprise the man opened his cage and started stroking Punjaab’s neck. Without another word the man plunged the needle deep into Punjaab. Punjaab felt sleepy and then………he was gone.

Oh well, thought Punjaab, I am a ghost.

Diddly dee diddly dah….

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Mar 15, 2013 Day 2013

Tiny Odd Conversations is a favorite of ours as you may know. Travis and Brandi have been kind enough to appear on our show many times. It is day 2013 at time of releasing this. What can we do to celebrate?

Easy! We ensure you listen to at least one episode of Tiny Odd Conversations by putting it here and by not spoiling it in anyway what so ever. It’s a good one to. Enjoy.

NOTE – Total copyright infringement but lets be honest TOC Pod are in no position to complain.

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Mar 15, 2013

Punjab and Kulfi - Episode 5

It was a hot sunny day in the slum. It was always a hot sunny day in the slum. Punjaab was lying on the floor and lazily licking his balls. Oh I wish something interesting would happen he mused to himself. May be a gang of organ thieves removing a slum dwellers kidneys with a spoon or a slum prostitute getting beaten up by her pimp but no. Today everything was quiet.

“You know what?”, Said Punjaab to Kulfi, “Its time to broaden my horizons. I have decided to take a holiday and see some culture in other parts of the world. Do you wish to join me on this adventure?” he asked Kulfi. “No, I can lick my balls quite happily here” said Kulfi and went back to sleep. “Well” said Punjaab “I believe I have earned a break and shall visit Raj’s travel emporium without delay.”

On entering the travel shop Punjaab was overwhelmed with all the glossy pictures of interesting far away places. There were golden beaches, blue seas, and a whole host of exotic destinations to choose from. Hmmmmm, thought Punjaab, I will ask the travel waller what he will recommend but first I feel the need to relieve myself, and with that Punjaab moved across to a corner of the shop and lay one of his infamous dogs eggs. Feeling refreshed Punjaab sidled up to the counter. At that moment the travel-waller started yelling and cursing and set of to the corner that Punjaab had just redecorated. As he went Punjaab noticed that the travel-waller had kindly left him a ticket on the counter top. Not wishing to look a gift donkey in the mouth Punjaab picked up the ticket and left the shop. He was very pleased with his purchase.

Once he was some way down the street Punjaab stopped to study the ticket and discover what wonderful destination he was going to visit. Goodness me thought Punjaab as he read the ticket. This place sounds like it should be a veritable heaven on earth…….Bradford, he read to himself, yes I think I will enjoy this trip.

As it occurred the flight was from Mumbai airport that very evening at 7:30. I will need to make haste to the airport, thought Punjaab, and set off immediately. Punjaab was a master of negotiating the city and was at the airport only minutes before the flight was about to board. Fortunately for him, the airport was a heaving mass of humanity, with seemingly nobody interested in anything other than themselves. Even the security guards were more interested in watching television than the comings and goings of the people. Punjaab followed the signs that directed him to where the plane would be leaving from.

There was already a queue of people waiting to board the plane so Punjaab took his place in the queue. He was quietly minding his own business standing beside a lady who was wearing dark glasses and carrying a stick. Within a couple of moments a cabin crew-waller approached the lady and said “Excuse me Madam, would you and your guide dog like to get on first?” The lady, while looking a little confused, was then ushered onto the plane. Punjaab was walking beside her thinking “My word I appear to be getting first class service, I am a happy slumdog today” When everyone was on the plane, the doors closed, and the plane took off into the Mumbai night sky.

Punjaab's stomach was not used to flying, and after he had eaten three bowls of food provided by the cabin crew-waller he needed to vomit, so he did. Feeling better, he relaxed, and was soon asleep. Sometime later, although Punjaab did not know how long, there seemed to be a lot of action on the plane and everyone was standing up and getting their baggage together. Then suddenly the plane door was open and Punjaab realized that they had arrived. He got up and followed the lady to the door. On alighting from the steps Punjaab was less than happy for it seemed that the aircraft had apparently just circled in the sky, waited till it was raining, and landed back in Mumbai. On discovering this Punjaab was incensed and immediately bounded over to the terminal where he was greeted by a man wearing a very bright green jacket. Punjaab remonstrated with the man, loudly barking out his displeasure at being taken back to where he had set out from. The man, though appeared not to be interested in Punjaabs complaint and to make matters worse grabbed Punjaab and threw him into a cage.

Some holiday this has turned out to be thought Punjaab.

Oh well, said Punjaab to himself, even pleasing myself appears to be difficult.

To be continued…..

Diddily dah diddily dah….

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Mar 14, 2013

Punjaab and Kulfi - Episode 4

It was a hot sunny day down in the slum – it was always a hot sunny day in the slum. Punjaaab was lying on the floor and lazily licking his balls.

Oh I wish something interesting would happen – he mused to himself – maybe a terrorist attack on some visiting sportsmen or an overflowing sewer spilling a torrent of second-hand goat curry into the fish market……… but no,    today everything was quiet…..

You know what….. Punjaab said to Kulfi……. I feel that I am in the need of some affection from a lady. I think I will scour the slums and see what I can find. Would you like to come and see if you can find some slum-pussy Kulfi?    …… No. said Kulfi, I have no need for lady-friends, after all, my tongue is rough and I can lick my own penis….. besides, I can’t be bothered to even stand up.

Please yourself, said Punjaab. Kulfi just grinned and said….. Yes Punjaab – exactly……

And with that Punjaab set off in hunt of bitches.

It wasn’t easy to track down the ladies, as differentiating between the smell of rotting fish and human faeces and the lady parts that Punjaab was seeking was difficult. Soon enough though Punjaab happened across a suitable candidate for his amorous intentions.

Punjaab licked his eyebrows and swaggered across to the lady, who was sharing a dead rat with her children….

Hello my fine beauty, Punjaab said in his best lothario voice,   those are some fine looking puppies you have there, and as such it is obvious that you are not a stranger to the sexual acts? Anjaali, for that was her name, smiled at Punjaab and gave him a coy look. Punjaab wasted no time and as she turned away from him he mounted her like he was riding a pony in one of the great western rodeos he had once seen on a television in the shopping area. Anjaali, taken by surprise at Punjaabs quick entry tried to move away and disengage Punjaab from her lady-parts, but Punjaab was an expert in the field of dog-rape and clung on with his front legs until he had negotiated Anjaali into corner from which there was no escape. Punjaab, was in ecstasy and pounded away as fast as his hips would go. Anjaali whimpered and barked softly as Punjaab thrusted into her……. Yeah Bitch, whispered Punjaab, you love it don’t you, me taking you human style and very soon Punjaab reached his chilli-stroke and was spent………

In his passionate frenzy, Punjaab did not notice that his love-making and the smell of the action had attracted quite a few of the local slutty slum-bitches to see what was happening. They had enjoyed Punjaabs performance and were all hotter than the midday sun and damper than a punka wallers armpit…..

Oh, Punjaab….. they squealed…….. you are truly a stud, a veritable canine Casanova… we wish very much for you to enter us and make us your harem. Punjaab was truly flattered by this admiration and decided that he would indeed give each and every one a portion of his hot kofte. After all, these bitches smelled great and to the eye were all very pleasing.

So Punjaab carried out the task asked of him and serviced all of them in turn.

Well, thought Punjaab to himself, apparently you can fuck every pleaser.

Didly dah diddly dah………………………..

Listen Now:

Mar 14, 2013

Punjaab and Kulfi - Episode 3

It was a hot sunny day down in the slum – it was always a hot sunny day in the slum. Punjaaab was lying on the floor and lazily licking his balls.

Oh I wish something interesting would happen – he mused to himself – maybe a street girl getting raped and mugged in a back-alley or a donkey being thrown from a bridge……… but no,    today everything was quiet…..

I think today, I will get some new shoes, Punjaab decided, yes; new shoes always brighten the day. I believe that the lady-folk get new shoes when they are feeling depressed and down. He had also heard that the bottom-touching men also felt far gayer when they were buying shoes.

Kulfi, I am going shoe-shopping, would you like to accompany me? He asked Kulfi. No, I’d rather stay here and clean my rectum with my tongue, kulfi retorted, and…… being a cat…….proceeded to do just that.

Ok, I will return to the slum later with the finest foot apparel that Bombay has to offer. I will be the envy of all the slum-dwellers, for I, Punjaab shall have the only shoes in the slum.

Once in the retail area of the city Punjaab was overwhelmed – not just by the smell of sweaty people and deodorant, but by the rows of shiny glass fronted shops. After stopping to urinate on as many of the shop windows as he could, Punjaab finally came across a potential supplier for his shoes. The shop was called Sliponda Footwear; the door was open so Punjaab walked in…….

On seeing a member of staff Punjaab asked – excuse me shoe-waller, would be kind enough to let me try on two pairs of those wonderful brogues you have in the window? I believe I am a size four………. On hearing Punjaab barking (because after all, the shoe-waller did not speak slum-dog) she shouted at him and said “ Shooo, shooo, “ . That is correct Punjaab insisted, I would like shoes……. But the shoe-waller appeared not to want to serve him. On deciding that this shop did not deserve his custom, Punjaab turned towards the door and headed back out into the street, but not before releasing one of his most indignant botty-coughs, which were well known in the slum for their extreme potency and offensiveness.

Punjaab decided to carry on down the street until he could find another shoe shop which would deserve his custom. It was not long before he came across a shop on a corner, with a sign above it saying “Ravi Patel – finest shoes in all India”……. Aha thought Punjaaab, this is the place for me. I shall give Mr Patel the benefit of my custom, and he walked in.

Mr Patel, (Punjaab assumed it was Mr Patel as he had the air of a proprietor) was seated behind a counter reading the paper.

Good afternoon my good fellow – bid Punjaab, I am requiring to purchase some of your finest fine shoes, I am a prince among my slum- friends and only the finest shoes in India would be suitable for me. I can see that your shop is obviously the best establishment in the whole of India and as such wish you to be my sole supplier, Punjaab was rather pleased with his use of words to the shop-keeper, and thought his rather clever pun would indeed charm Mr Patel into maybe giving Punjaab a discount, as is the Indian buyers preference. But instead, Mr Patel leapt from behind the counter and started yelling at Punjaaab   “get out of my shop you filthy smelly hound” he screamed, and starting to hit poor Punjaab with a broom.

Punjaab was very disappointed by Mr Patels actions.

Oh well, thought Punjaab to himself, you can’t please every fucker.

Didly dah diddly dah………………………..

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