It was a hot sunny day down in the slum – it was always a hot sunny day in the slum. Punjaaab was lying on the floor and lazily licking his balls.
Oh I wish something interesting would happen – he mused to himself, like an old lady getting raped by a horse – or a leper’s leg falling off – but no, life was tedious as usual.
Suddenly, Punjaab had a brain-wave! I know, he said to Kulfi the mangy cat; I am going to open a restaurant, right here in the slum. I shall call it…………… Punjaabs Place and I will prepare and sell the finest slum food. So now to prepare my menu. Kulfi, you can be my assistant. Fuck you, said Kulfi and went back to coughing up a fur-ball. Aha! Punjaab exclaimed, that is the fist dish on my menu —- fur-ball bhaji. My restaurant will be world famous, I shall gain 3 Pirelli stars and people will come from all-over to sample my food.
With a spring in his step, Punjaab set about touring the slum to find ingredients, after a few hours he had amassed a collection and was back in the slum. He had soon set up an old oil drum as a stove and turned a discarded washing machine drum into a tandoor.
That evening “Punjaabs Place” opened to serve the hungry folk who were wandering the slums.
Business was very slow it seemed…….. Punjaab had not had any customers for hours and he was beginning to think maybe a restaurant in the slums was not such a great idea. Just as he was thinking of closing for the night a back-packer wandered up to his counter and asked what he had on the menu……..
Good evening Whitey, Punjaab greeted him, would you like an upturned dustbin for one……. Or do you have guests?
No mate, I’m an Aussie back packer and I travel alone – what can you recommend from the menu maaate?
Well sir, on the specials tonight we have as starter, Kulfi’s special fur-ball Bhaji served with his own special youghurtish sauce – he makes it himself whilst thinking of lady cats I believe. Or you can sample my Punjaab special reek kebab, this is a sausage shaped kebab which I produce myself – it contains my secret ingredients and has the aromatic qualities of a Bombay sewer – very tasty………
For main course we have our specialty which is “Slum- Dunked Chicken”, we take a 3 week old chicken carcass then crush it between 2 old bricks until it is a very smooth paste, we then mix in some powdered donkey excrement to add a herbal flavour. We serve this with lovely slum sauce which is made from local spring water and old diesel, which gives it a piquant. Exquisite flavor.
Errr, do you have any steak and kidney pie mate???
No sah, we don’t….but we do have a Snake & Pygmy pie……. We take the finest cobra, crush its head with a rock and boil it for 2 days. We then track down a pygmy – only the smallest, youngest and most succulent pygmy mind, and force feed the pygmy the cooked cobra. We then crush the Pygmy’s head with a rock and roast it over the rag burning stove. We then cut lovely thick slices and serve in a naan bread casing. Although it’s not exactly a naan, just an old turban – but it still tastes authentic.
So, what can we get for you sah? Sah? Sah? ……. Please come back sah, it is very good food…… I do you special discount……… we have draught Kingfisher…….
But alas the customer had gone.
Oh well, thought Punjaab, you can’t please every fucker!
Diddly deeee …….
